I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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