Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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