hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
