i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
