Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
