you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
