My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
