lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
