I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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