he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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