I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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