It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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