i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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