Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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