when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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