Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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