I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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