just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
