It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
