I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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