In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
zippers are such a cool invention
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
