You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
