i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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