i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
