so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
