I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
