The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
