i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
