I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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