Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
