imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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