I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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