I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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