i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
