Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
