I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
