Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
