I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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