It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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