he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
