I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
