im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
