hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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