You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
