I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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