apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
