my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
