she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
