you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
