It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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