I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
