Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
