I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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